Dear Elon,
Why are you so cringe, bro? Like, seriously, all the god damn time.
You are, without a doubt, the most uncool man on the planet. The only thing impressive about you is how unbelievable it is someone with more money than entire nations can still be such an embarrassing, desperate try-hard. You spend every waking moment tweeting for validation, yet everything you do just makes you look more pathetic. You’re so fucking out of touch, my guy. You all think we’re laughing with you? No, we’re all laughing at you as you ruin every company you touch every and dead meme you use to play your “How Do You Do, Fellow Kids?” shtick.
You built your entire persona on being the real-life Tony Stark, some world changing benevolent genius, just with ketamine instead of booze. In reality, you’re just a spoiled rich kid coasting on daddy’s apartheid emerald money, taking credit for the work of smarter people, and lighting billions on fire in a series of increasingly dumb vanity projects. By the way, how’s that last rocket explosion affecting the dick measuring contest with Bezos?
And how does it feel to have been the world’s richest man and still somehow be the biggest loser? You burned $44 billion on Twitter—sorry, “X” (guess I never let that sink in huehuehue)—just to turn it into a barely-functional echo chamber where washed-up conspiracy grifters pretend you’re cool while advertisers flee in droves. All those spam bots are just free speech advocates, right?
And let’s talk about your personal life. You keep trying to present yourself as some intellectual alpha male, but really, you’re just a socially awkward weirdo who scares off every gold digger unfortunate enough to try making you their mark. If it weren’t for daddy’s money you’d just be that weird incel anime kid who thinks a leather trench coat and $50 katana at the mall makes him a badass. You’re lucky you’re rich, or you’d never get laid at all. You have ten kids with three different women, and yet somehow you’re still so pathetically alone, thirst-tweeting about transhumanism like you think putting a chip in your head will make women want to fuck you.
You want so badly to be seen as edgy and rebellious, but you have the mentality and maturity of of a 13-year-old 4chan troll who just discovered slurs. You’re out here calling people “based” and “woke” like you just heard those words last year had to ask your kid 48756D616E20536869656C64 (am I pronouncing that right?) what they meant.
You built your brand on eco-friendly electric cars and Mars colonies, but the second you saw an opportunity to gain more power siding with authoritarians, you abandoned every so-called principle you ever had. You’re an immigrant riding the coattails of people who would put others with your origin in concentration camps. You unbanned Nazis, platformed hate speech, and brown-nosed fascists here and abroad so hard that we can’t tell if it’s a shit stain or a Hitler mustache.
I know your fanboys will defend you no matter how much of a shitshow you become, but you know, deep down, that you’re a joke. You’re not Steve Jobs. You’re not Tony Stark. You’re not even Lex Luthor. You’re just a formerly bald, painfully awkward, walking midlife crisis; an idiot cosplaying as a genius, taking credit for innovations while real smart people do the actual work.
I will say this: You are indeed a our generation’s Thomas Edison, and our generation’s Henry Ford. And I mean that in the most derogatory way possible.
FYI, Rocketman: More and more of us are noticing those hair plugs look fake from down here. Just like everything else.
Go back to South Africa,
R.L. Lawrence
P.S. – I sincerely wish you good health and safety in your future. Let’s both hope your cybertruck doesn’t run out of range when the mobs come for you, I hear they’re kind of flimsy.